Burn: Because Sometimes You Just Don't Want to Have a Deep Thought

Up today: Burn: A Novel by Linda Howard. I think that if somebody were to ask me to describe this book I’d say something along the lines of:

“A rather unimportant and infinitely forgettable novel that is perfect for those sunny afternoons while you’re sitting on your back deck soaking up the rays and trying to avoid deep thoughts, work, and most importantly – your children.”

A twelve second synopsis. WARNING WARNING WARNING – spoilers ahead.

Lottery millionaire Jenner and her spineless mushy friend Syd get themselves kidnapped by a band of secret spy James Bond types that are trying to prevent an evil billionaire with brain cancer from exacting his final “Take that you f*ckers” upon the world.

Seriously, that’s about all you need to know. Jenner and Syd, being pretty smart cookies, both figger out pretty quickly that those guns and mean scowls being waved around by the bad guys but really good guys kidnappers are just for show. They both start playing a game of “na na boo boo I know you aren’t really gonna hurt me so you’d better start trying a little harder to keep me happy or I’m not gonna play along with this kidnapping game no more.” Jenner, being the adventurous heroine, insists that she be allowed to help thwart Mr. Evil. Syd sends her captors on hamburger runs and makes them play dress up from her closet.

The HERO (sigh) in this particular escapade is the James Bond in Chief, Cael (sounds like the leafy green stuff but is spelled much more sexily). Jenner and Cael trade barbs, she bites him, he handcuffs her to a chair, a bed, and sometimes himself. Eventually they have smokin’ hot sex.

In the end, a few bombs go off and the ship sinks, but the plot was mostly foiled and Jenner gets to join the James Bond crew and keep the sexy guy as her own.

This was actually the first Linda Howard book I’d ever read and I was rather encouraged by it. You know, nobody is ever going to produce a list of discussion questions regarding this book, but it was pleasant and fun. I was rather surprised to see such mixed reviews from the Amazon Romance crowd (as I said before, Amazon – Land of Almost Any Piece of Crap Can Pull a Decent Rating). So I went looking for some other Linda Howard books and I think I see the problem. Next entry is going to be about the top rated Linda Howard book I could find, After The Night … and how I felt about it.

So next: Linda Howard, After The Night.

Finger Lickin' Fifteen, A Rambling

I thought I'd start off this blog by addressing a subject that has become amazingly prominent in my life in recent months and that is "Who Has Stolen Stephanie Plum and Left This Nitwit in Her Place?" By the way, if you haven't read the book and spoilers piss you off, then get lost because I'll be giving them.

For those uninitiated to the Plum universe, although if you are I'm not sure why you would even still be reading this, Stephanie Plum is the main character of a set of novels authored by Janet Evanovich. Miss Plum is a thirty-ish divorced woman who lives in a one bedroom apartment with her hamster Rex and support herself (barely) by working as a Bond Enforcement Agent (Bounty Hunter) for her cousin Vincent Plum (Plum's Bail Bonds).

This series is much beloved and long-lasting ... originating somewhere in the mid-1990's. Thousands of readers anxiously await the release of the next book every June. The books are always titled by number ... One for the Money, Two for the Dough....Finger Lickin' Fifteen - which makes it really easy to keep them in order on your bookshelf. Sometime in the past couple of years Evanovich started publishing a what she calls the "Between The Numbers" books, that tend to be short and silly and contain the same characters as the main books, but aren't necessarily connected to plot continuity.

Stephanie Plum is most famous for one thing in the literary world and that is the never ending question of Morelli vs Ranger. Briefly explained, there are two smokin' hot men in Stephanie's life and this "Love Triangle" if you will is the stuff of message board legend. Joseph Morelli (Joe) is Steph's first love. He got into her panties at age 6 for a game of choo choo, took her virginity at age 16 and is now her On Again/Off Again Cop boyfriend. Joe likes to call Stephanie his Cupcake. Carlos Manoso (Ranger) is Steph's mentor in the Bounty Hunting business and he also occassionaly throws work her way at his security firm, Rangeman....very helpful for those times that he'd like to get some more fondling in and/or Steph has again gotten herself into the position where she can't pay the rent and buy hamster nuggets. Ranger is a Man of Mystery and he melts hearts across the globe by referring to Steph as "Babe." Women, and more than a few men, LOVE to debate the question of Cupcake vs Babe.

So what's the problem you might ask?

The problem is this --- the books have been going sharply downhill for the past couple of years leaving the rabid fans of the Plum series scratching their heads and asking "Janet Evanovich - Why Are You Doing This to Us?" I recently took some time to scroll through the Amazon ratings of the most recent book (Amazon, home of the any piece of crap will get rated at least 3.5 stars) and wasn't too shocked to discover the book clocking in at a mere 2.5 Star rating.

My friends and I have spent time .... way too much time most likely ... discussing this issue and mostly (whether we were Cupcake or Babe fans) agreed on the following points.

1. What used to be a world funny original plot lines has degraded into something resembling the 3 stooges. The latest book is replete with fart jokes, a hot dog costume, misadventures in cooking, and a pack of dogs that steal dinner. The books are shallow and barely resemble the earlier works in the series.

2. The chemistry is lacking ... whether it be Steph/Joe or Steph/Ranger .... it just isn't there anymore. Readers used to beg Evanovich to choose one or the other, now they seem to beg her to just end the series.

3. A frequent complaint amongst readers is the fact that the story never evolves and the characters never grow. I personally would take this one step farther and maintain that the story has actually devolved. Stephanie Plum used to be unconvential at her job, but she almost always got results. She'd eventually solve the mystery, catch the guy, and keep Joe and Ranger panting along behind her. Now she's just .... silly and dependent. The "mystery" in this latest train wreck was so thin and poorly executed that it might as well not even been there. Steph did manage to solve it, if you could call happening to be in Starbucks at just the right moment to see the villain playing his handheld video game detective work. Of course then rather than apprehending the dude herself, she pulled out her cell phone and called Ranger to come and get him. blech.

Am I the only one who thinks that the Steph of yesteryear would have somehow tricked the guy into the back of Big Blue, drove by the Tasty Pastry to buy him a choco donut with sprinkles, and then hauled his butt down to the Police Station herself?

ah well, next book to ponder ... Burn by Linda Howard